well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
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