just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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