my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Randomize
