a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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