getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
