Im at strip club and am horny
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
i woke up in his bed, he had my shirt on
and high school musical 3 was playing on his lap top
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
Randomize
