Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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