The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
