I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
Randomize
