Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
