Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
