If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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