dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
