I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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