onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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