The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
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