I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Randomize
