life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
