The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
