She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
