you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
