im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
