I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
