Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Pappa wants mamma naked
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
