she woke up with a sticky ear
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Randomize