she takes plan B like it's going out of style
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
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