why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Randomize
