drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
