i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Such a big mess for such a small penis
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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