I accidentally had phone sex last night
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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