remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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