I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
