so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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