good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
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