There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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