also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
