I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
