why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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