Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
