you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Is it penis luge time yet?
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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