Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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