I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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