Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
