Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Randomize