the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
