Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
