What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
