You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
