Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
