You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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