dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
