I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
