Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
