I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
