the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize