you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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