The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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