Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
