How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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