I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
