If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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