My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
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