Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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