He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
