i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize