Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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