Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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