Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
Randomize
