Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Dick very happy bro
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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