that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
