TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
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